The Great Pajama Quest

I have a confession to make. I’ve been wearing the same “pajamas” for seven years— maybe longer—and they desperately need to be retired. The colors have faded to the point where I’m not entirely sure what shade they started as, the elastic waistband is loose and failing, and in places, the fabric has become so threadbare that I’m basically wearing the mere suggestions of clothing.

Here’s the kicker: they’re not even PJs. I sleep in men’s boxer shorts paired with a plain cotton tee shirt. Sure, they’re ultra comfortable, but they aren’t presentable at all. I’m embarrassed to wear them, yet I put them on every single evening. Thankfully, my husband and dog don’t care what I sleep in.

So I’ve been on a mission to replace them. I’ve wandered high and low through stores and scrolled through countless online pages, but I keep coming up empty-handed. I just can’t find anything that meets my stringent pajama criteria.

First and foremost, comfort is job one. The pajamas must be loosefit and the fabric must be breathable, like brushed cotton—not too thick, but not ultra-thin either. I want that Goldilocks zone of just right.

And absolutely no buttons. When I roll over onto a button, I feel like I’ve stepped on a LEGO. Zippers are equally unwelcome for the same reason. Scratchy lace is another show stopper. My skin is sensitive enough without synthetic lace rubbing my fragile skin raw and red.

For me, gowns are pretty much out of the question, too. When I roll over, I don’t want to feel like I’m wrapping myself like a burrito or a mummy. I need freedom to move— roll over occasionally, kick my leg out of the sheets for a couple of minutes to cool down on warmer nights, spoon with my husband if I get cold. I don’t want to be encumbered by bulky, excess fabric.

My ideal setup is shorts and short sleeves. Occasionally, on particularly frigid winter nights, I’ll break out long flannel bottoms and a long-sleeve shirt, but that’s rather rare (think Christmas Eve or snow and ice storms). I prefer my pajamas to be somewhat summery so I can burrow into my sheets and comforter for warmth or pile on an extra quilt.

And I want my pajamas to be pretty—not sexy, mind you. I’ve moved beyond sexy. I don’t want anything low-cut, push-up, or revealing in any way. I want my pajamas to encourage sleep and slumber, and let me make this perfectly clear—I prioritize a good night’s rest above most other things.

And please, spare me the “cute” factor. Again, comfort is the magic word here. If there are shorts involved (and that’s my preference), I don’t want those Daisy Dukes short shorts the young women refer to as “booty shorts.” Even under sheets and a bedspread, I prefer my cheeks to remain properly covered, thank you very much. I don’t want to wake up at 2 or 3 a.m. with the straddle of my sleep shorts creeping into my crack zone.

That’s pretty much my criteria. So, is this too much to ask?

So here I am, on a quest to find at least one set of suitable pajamas. I’ve needed to replace my boxer-and-tee ensemble for a long time, but what really lit a fire under me recently was the realization that I might need to wear these things to a hospital someday. The thought of doctors and nurses seeing me in these worn-out sleep duds is mortifying enough, but what if a friend or family member visits and catches sight of my faded, sad boxer shorts? The horror!

I need to find some proper jammies, and fast. My dignity and the failing elastic of my boxer shorts depend on it.