Trying to deal with Artie Fishel Intelligence

RING! RING! RING!

“Hello. Dick Yarbrough speaking. How may I direct your call?” “Dick, it’s me. Artie.” “I’m sorry. Artie who?”

“Artie Fishel, you hare-brained humanoid. Artie Fishel, of Artie Fishel Intelligence. You surely remember me. I am capable of performing tasks that typically require human cognition, such as learning, reasoning, problemsolving and decision-making.”

“Come to think of it, I do. Last we spoke, you were going to contact the editors about replacing me with Artie Fishel Intelligence. How did that work out?”

“Not well, I’m afraid. When I told them I knew 7,100 languages, they said they have spent too much time and effort trying to help you master just one to give up on you just yet. Plus, you don’t require a 100,000-square-foot data center, just a bathroom.”

“So, why then are you calling me, Mr. Know-It-All?”

“First off, I’m not a mister or a missus or anything in between, if you get my drift. I am calling because while I can write a three-act Italian opera at the same time I am translating the Pythagorean theorem into Swahili and reciting the starting lineups of the 1936 football match between the Drexel Dragons and the Swarthmore Garnet Tide, I am told I have an image problem. That nobody likes Artie Fishel Intelligence.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” “Oh, yeah? When was the last time you were dissed by the pope, buddy?”

“Not recently, but the Baptists like to give me a hard time about women preachers. They think I’m going to hell for suggesting women can preach just as well as men. If I go, I’m taking a lot of Methodists with me because we love women preachers.”

“Not the same thing. Nobody pays much attention to the Baptists, except you, but a lot of people listen to the pope. There are 1.4 billion Catholics in the world. According to Artie Fishel Intelligence, 1.4 billion is the population of China and how much ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ grossed in a year. That’s a big number.”

“So, what did the pope say that has your algorithms in a wad?”

“He issued his first papal encyclical and said he was concerned that Artie Fishel Intelligence – that’s me – needed regulating so that I would ‘respect the environment, avoid waste and prevent new forms of exploitation.’ Can you believe it? Donald Trump dresses up like Jesus, Keisha Lance Bottoms is running for governor of Georgia and Austin Riley is batting .204 for the Braves and Pope Leo XIV thinks I’m messing up the environment?”

Well, you have to admit we are a bit dubious of you, Artie. A quarter of U.S. adults said they think you will have a negative impact on the environment over the next 20 years, while an identical share said you will have an equally positive and negative impact. Another 20% foresee a positive impact, while 30% aren’t sure. Most Americans think you should stick to developing new medicines and weather forecasting.”

“Wow. I need to let the pope know that. Maybe if I can come up with a cure for the heartbreak of psoriasis and give him a heads-up when to get out the long johns, he would issue one of his encyclicals saying Artie Fishel Intelligence ain’t so bad after all. That will do a lot for my image right there.”

“It’s a possibility. But there are a lot of other things you could be doing in the meantime.”

“Like what?” “Like quit bugging my editors, for one thing. I need this job. Otherwise, I might have to go find real employment, and that would be worse than the heartbreak of psoriasis.”

“Maybe so, but I know things you don’t know that I’ll bet the readers would like to know.”

“Like what?” “In 1936, the Drexel Dragons beat the Swarthmore Garnet Tide, 32-0. Wait until the editors read this, and then you might start looking for another job.”

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.