Off- Kilter

L a t e l y, I’ve felt a bit off-kilter. Askew. Abnorma l . Messed up. Unbalanced. Out of sync. Discombobulated. It’s like I’ve been walking around with one shoe on and one shoe off— stumbling through the days and wondering what’s wrong with me, and moreover, should I go talk to a professional about this sudden turn of events.

I’m not sleeping well, which might be the root of this whole mess, or maybe it’s just another symptom. It’s one of those chicken-and-egg situations that I’d find interesting if it weren’t happening to me. When I don’t sleep, I don’t feel right, and when I don’t feel right, I don’t perform well during the day, which makes me worry more, which keeps me awake at night. Round and round we go.

There’s a lot swirling around in my world right now. My husband lost his job earlier this year, and I’m a notorious worrier. So I’ve taken on more work. As a writer—and let’s be honest about this career choice—I’ve found myself wondering why in the world I left a good-paying profession for one that’s notoriously low-paying. And so I’ve said yes to more assignments and projects. The problem is, there are only so many hours in a day, and when you’re a writer, sometimes your brain just gets tired and has to quit. I have maybe six good writing hours in each day. It’s quite the conundrum.

And there’s a wedding coming up in North Carolina. Don’t get me wrong—I’m thrilled about the celebration and excited to experience it with my family. But planning the logistics of getting our entire crew to Charlotte and back has been something akin to an ordeal. My mind has been preoccupied for weeks with scenarios. Also, I had to find and purchase two dresses, then discovered everyone’s dressing Western the night before, which meant buying cowboy boots I didn’t really need. But I didn’t want to be the only one standing there looking like the goofball who missed the memo. And of course, there’s the question of what to do with our dog and cat while we’re gone—always a problem.

Speaking of travel, we have another trip to visit my husband’s biological family coming up. I wouldn’t miss it for the world, but it means working long hours to get assignments finished beforehand, not to mention arranging pet care all over again. And I find travel hard and stressful.

August brought the big 6-0 birthday. I’m grateful for every year I’m walking upright—truly I am— but my husband insisted on a special dinner with guests to mark the day, which was lovely but felt like just one more thing on an already long to-do list. We argued about it, and we never argue.

Even the weather seems to be conspiring against my peace of mind. We need rain desperately. Everything’s drying up and trying to die on me, and my yard looks awful, which causes me even more stress.

I’m not hitting my personal goals either. I wanted to finish my novel by year’s end, but I’m starting to realize that’s not going to happen. I’d hoped to lose five pounds and build up some upper body strength, but I’ve been too tired and cranky to make much progress on either front. I wanted to finish an upstairs bathroom project and a backyard walkway project by the fall, and neither is quite done.

The final straw came today while driving south on the Interstate. A rock appeared out of nowhere and struck my windshield, leaving an eight-inch crack that’s growing by the hour. Now I have to arrange for a replacement and spend money I don’t want to spend on something I never saw coming. Ugh!

And it’s for these reasons and others that I’ve felt off-kilter lately. Will I ever feel normal again? I suspect the answer is yes, but right now, I’m just trying to find my footing on this uneven ground we call life.