Some presidential thoughts from Skeeter Skates and Ryo Morning Coffee Club

When I saw the phone jump off the cradle, I knew who it was. Skeeter Skates, owner of Skeeter Skates Tree Stump Removal and Plow Repair in Ryo, Georgia. Skeeter has that effect on people and on telephones, as well. In addition to being a leader in the stump removal and plow repair industry, Skeeter also currently serves as chair of the Ryo Morning Coffee Club, a collection of Great Americans which includes Walleye, who runs the bait shop over in Red Bud; Booger Bledsoe, who operates a local roadside vegetable stand on State Route 136 near Sugar Valley; and Uncle Coot, recently retired from the porta-potty transportation industry.

Skeeter Skates gets straight to the point. I guess that’s the nature of those in the tree stump removal and plow repair profession. “Hoss, me and the boys were talking about you this morning at our meeting of the coffee club. That is, me and Booger and Walleye. Uncle Coot was a good bit downwind from us, given he still shows the residual effects of a career spent transporting porta-potties.”

Skeeter said, “Frankly, I ain’t got much use for folks that make their living writing fancy words and don’t know a John Deere left hand shin from a rolling landside wheel scraper. But me and the boys wanted to talk a little about politics, and we immediately thought of you cause you know as little about politics as anybody I can think of. Heh! Heh!” Skeeter never gets tired of that line.

“We don’t get a lot of news here in Ryo. None of us know how to use Twerp or Click Clack or any of that other socialized medium, so that’s the reason for our calling you. You are all we got left.” Skeeter said. In case you are wondering, I believe Skeeter is referring to Twitter and Tik Tok and other social media, but it’s best not to correct him.

“You may not know how to replace the clutch on a Powerhorse 7 HP stump grinder, but me and the boys know you are close with all the bigshot politicians, including that old boy that’s running things in Washington,” Skeeter said. I don’t know where he got that idea but, again, correcting Skeeter isn’t wise.

“Next time you see him, tell him things are just fine in Ryo. No need to worry about sending in the U.S. Army. Unlike Washington and those hippies out in California, there’s nobody stirring up trouble in Ryo. Let him know that.” I told Skeeter I would certainly do that. I know Donald Trump has a lot on his plate these days. Not having to worry about Ryo will be a relief.

Walleye got on the line and asked me to express his appreciation to the president for keeping China and India from flooding the bait market with red wigglers. He is proud that his worms are made in the USA but admitted crappie wouldn’t know the difference. Or care.

Booger Bledsoe, who operates a local roadside vegetable stand on State Route 136 near Sugar Valley, said while he was glad to see a tariff on Mexican tomatoes, the competition didn’t bother him. Crappie may not appreciate the difference in Chinese worms versus American, but his clientele sure knows a Georgia tomato when they taste one, especially on white bread with mayonnaise.

Booger said next time I went to visit the president, let him know and he would send along some tomato sandwiches. I told Booger I would do that although my schedule was pretty tight and I wasn’t sure when I’d be seeing the president.

Uncle Coot transported a lot of porta-potties to a lot of places in his career, so he takes a much broader view of the world beyond Ryo. For example, he feels like if the president locked Russian president Vladimir Putin and Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelenskyy in a Chery 2-Stall Portable Toilet with 3-inch drain, they would probably work out their differences a lot quicker than the way things are going now. Uncle Coot may present an olfactory challenge, but he has a point.

Skeeter got back on the line. “Hoss, I’m going to pay you a rare compliment. You wouldn’t know a Baumalight 1P24 – 3 Point Hitch Stump Grinder if it hit you in the backside, but at least you know that old boy running things in Washington.” I really don’t, but it’s best not to correct him.

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.